...beneath my taste level...

I am continually astounded by how much I am growing as the second part of MATS progresses. I already feel so much more confident about my abilities and capability to come up with half decent ideas. Sometimes it feels like wheels were set in motion and cannot be slowed down. 

Earlier this month I signed up for the Right Brainers Business video summit as Lilla Rogers and another wonderful MATS artist , Nicole Piar would be featured on one of the days. I only had a vague idea of Jennifer Lee's work with The Right Brain Business Plan - a creative visual map for success or turning your dream into a profitable business. On the second day of the summit I eagerly listened to Jennifer's video with Lilla, then replayed it again so I could make notes. There were so many gems as expected....only doing commercial work could take you away from your core...feed the beast ...keep looking collecting/ learning/ stay passionate were some. 

However it was Lilla's definition of selling out that kept going round and round in my head for days..."doing something beneath your taste level for money" That was me for a few years - I sold out. Its the first time I've written that statement down as it caused me great anguish. I have no excuses it was what I chose to do of my own free will. 

A friend of a friend asked for a few black and white illustrations for a exam paper so I did it as a favour. They came back and asked if I could illustrate for the whole exam paper, and then later several sets of exam papers. I need to put this in context - my husband at the time was trying to set up his own business and I was newly pregnant. FEAR flashed before my eyes so I took the work,  despite knowing I was capable of more than this. Stupid hours were involved, and soon I was turning down editorial work just to keep up with the relentless pace.

There is an awful lot of guilt associated with this particular period as I seemed to be 'fighting' on many fronts ( also see blog post 'Overcoming a mental block') I worked stupid hours, didn't sleep much as I was in a fight or flight mode - it wasn't a pretty.

Almost a year after my son was born I chucked in the towel pretty much as. Selling out had really messed with my head, I felt so embarrassed I resorted to that and a bit of a failure. Maybe thats why there huge gap between then and just thinking about taking MATS. Lilla has shown me that there are many ways to make meaningful art.

So I'm now open to letting go of this guilt as I find myself in a safe, nurturing and supportive environment, with creatives who really understand some of the processes we all go through from time to time. Writing this has been like exorcising my demons which is certainly a good thing from where I'm standing